Don’t do jiujitsu. Especially not the Brazilian type, or BJJ as we call it. This is, basically, the whole post.

No, seriously, don’t. They call it a martial art and for the first couple of years you may struggle and get choked out and tapped and think you’re “fighting” or something, but if you stick around, like me, you’ll see it for what it is: a non-collaborative male-coded dance class. Think about it. You try to do your moves and the other guy tries to do his and you both interrupt one another. Intentionally! It’s encouraged! BJJ is also unsanitary: a bunch of dudes in japanese pajamas lying on the floor and on top of one another. There’s a lot of sweat and panting and inadvertent hugging involved. It’s literally called BJ! J!

So, don’t do it.

Unless, of course, you’re me: a 42 year old midlife-crisis-enduring dude who needs something to fill the void. This is the embarrassingly simple solution I was talking about: it turns out that, to get myself out of my short but very deep funk, all I needed was A. Fucking. Hobby. 

Here’s what BJJ did for me:

First, it gave me a new set of goals that were low stakes enough to allow me to fail repeatedly while not overthinking it. I’m just an older guy learning a new skill; my skill ceiling is incredibly low and the material benefits of excelling in it are ludicrously small. There was no way that my success would mean anything to anyone or anything other than for my own personal satisfaction.

Then, it gave me something to strive for long term mastery in. Dance class or not (side note: don’t try to join a real dance class as a middle aged man. Don’t ask me how I know), it’s a complex movement system where “success” can be reached in many different ways, a property I appreciate. It’s mastery achieved over long hours over years: as I’m writing this post I’m almost five years in, 5 training sessions a week on average, and I’m a bit more than a skilled beginner. There is lots more oil in this well.

And then, it gave me a routine that is grounded in my physical body. Every day I either train or do something in service of training, to rehab or prehab or increase mobility. I train to exertion, channeling my aggressive tendencies that aren’t very cool to discuss nowadays but are still there for many of us whether you admit to them or not. It keeps me much healthier than I would be otherwise. 

So, yeah, don’t do BJJ. It’s not about this specific hobby. It’s about adopting a practice that gives you manageable stakes, that offers a path to mastery, and that grounds your routine in your physical existence. It was far from enough, but adopting it was the first step to figuring my way through to the next step in my personal identity, a crucial one.